Priorities (Repost)
I haven't written for so long. Do I still know how?
Everything has its price. Did I give up my drive to write for my happiness? If that were the case then I have no regrets. But in the end, writing will always be a part of me. And the sad truth is - she may not.
I am terrified of the prospect of being alone again. But I know that I am not staying with her out of fear. No, I know I truly love her. She changed me so much. No, let me rephrase that. I changed myself so much to make her happy. I'm not going to claim this made me all unhappy and depressed. On the contrary, what I've become has his finer points too.
He is now a bit conio-er than he was before, make that a lot conio-er than before. He is no longer as cheap and stingy as he once was and is also prone to bouts of splurging every once and a while (although he spends it all on dates, not presents). His arsenal of quaint restaurants, fancy dining establishments, and romantic places to go to has also largely expanded. He now knows the inherent pleasure derived from giving flowers, despite once believing they were generally impractical, and enjoys them most especially when he gives it to the one he loves.
He has also charted previously unexplored gastronomical territories, particularly in the French, Italian, and Spanish areas. He dislikes a few (exotic cheese), is wary of some (pesto and anchovies), and loves a lot more (paella, lengua, oysters, sweet wine, etc...). He has discovered that he has low alcohol tolerance for beer, a fact previously overlooked because he was once so stingy (and poor) that he never spent more than 100 bucks on getting drunk, hence being forced to drink hard liquor all the damn time. He has changed his cigarette of choice to Marlboro Lights Menthol, a brand he previously referred to as: Non-man Lights, with his bastard of a best friend, Abel. They smoke the same brand.
In the field of art and culture, his previous penchant for OPM songs has mostly been altered, or at least has been made private. Oldies have made a surprising comeback in his taste, and so does house and chillout, but the latter two has nothing to do with his girl, just the fact that he loves being lazy and these genres are perfect for this task. Movie-wise, he has discovered that some fantasy movies don't live up to the books they were inspired from (eherm.. Eragon... cough) and chick flicks and kiddy movies may actually prove to be great entertainment.
He has also developed civilized manners and has been forced to learn the subtle art of reading in between the lines. This girl he's with won't tolerate all the crap he put his previous girls through, and in spite of the occasional beating, clawing and biting he gets, he is thankful for the lessons.
What he should really do now is learn to manage his time better. He has the job he's always wanted now. The job he could only dream about just a few short years before. And if he is not careful, he may fail to live up to that wish. I guess he's just really scared to lose what he fought so hard for - what he once thought he would never get in this life, being the sore, broody, whiny crybaby that he once was.
But now I see that that is not the way to hold on to things, seizing it and ignoring everything else in your life. She will always be a priority, my top one most of the time, but I should never forget that I have others too - priorities, that is.
That tiny, winged thing destroys
But he who kisses joy as it flies
Shall spend eternities in sunrise
